Have some surgery on your spine :)

Grandfather's binoculars

He looked through these during the Second World War.
We looked through these when we were in the woods trying to spy on some yellow birds that had a nest in a small bush.
I will have looked through these on my way to the hospital.

Let this be the one...

Monday: trip to Tartu.
I'm gonna have a cat-scan.

All I want for Christmas is...

Tuleb mainida, et anything goes. Mulle meeldib kõik. Aga mõni soovitus on.

• Ehted: sõrmused, kõrvarõngad. Suuuuuuuuuuurte kividega. Suuured rippuvad kõrvarõngad oleksid eriti preferred :P Ilusate sulgede ja muu glamuuriga :D
• Mõni erk lauvärv läheb ka loosi. Kollane-roheline. KULDNE
  
• KONNAD.
• Joonistusblokid. Akvarellidele, tavalised. Nii A3 kui A4.
• On olemas sellin modell joonistamiseks. Inimene, kelle jäsemed liiguvad. Tavaliselt pulga otsas. Seda!
  
• Värvid. Akrüülid, vesivärvid, guaššid, õlivärvid.
• Pintslid. Nendega on selline lugu, et viimati ostsin ma ise omale pintsleid algklassides. Erandiks on suvel ostetud keskmine-suur pintsel ehituspoest. Aga see selleks :D
  
• Riided, kindad, mütsid jne. Sokid. SUKAPÜKSID. Must-kollane-roheline-pruun. Kuld-hõbe. Triibulised, ruutude, mustritega.
  
• Veeliks. Lihtsalt, keegi, viige mind ta juurde ja andke talle raha :)
• Hea fotokas. Nagu tõesti. This is ridiculous. Vajaan päris korralikku fotokat. Statiiv kuluks siis ka kohe ära. Ja KÕIK muud vidinad :D
  
• Reis kuhugi. Lähme Ellukivile, lähme Saaremaale, lähme Tallinna kinno, teeeeeeeeeeeme midagi. Muuseumi, näitusele, teatri? Teeme lollusi.
  
• Taimed. Aaloed ja ahvileivapuud mul on. Aga ma tahaks mõnda ka lihavate lehtedega nagu on aaloe ja ahvileivapuu. Or just wow me :)
• Maskid ja kostüümid.
  

Ja alati saab mulle läpaka, auto, korteri, galerii, Neeruti mõisa ja ümbermaailmareisi anda. There's always that :)

Fight the Machine?

I feel good. The best I've been for weeks. Jump out of bed and the feeling remains. Awesome.
At the doctor's I make my mother buy me a mask. Love it. And, yes, I did specially go to a toilet to take pics. Soon the doctor asks me to go inside her office. Tells me that I'm fine and that I imagine the pain. That I sat with my leg over the other. A sick person couldn't do that.
A PERSON ALLLLLWAYS DOES WHAT'S BEST FOR HIM/HER: WHY WOULD I IMAGINE PAIN FOR MYSELF????????????????????????
I keep my mask on. Stare at her.
Prescribes me some new meds. I don't know what these are for. Don't care anymore.

Edit: My doctor calls me and says that she has now spoken to the neurologist that examined me. The neurologist thinks that I SHOULD go to Tartu for computed tomography. If I show no change within the next days.

What am I supposed to think now?>:(

Color scheme for NEED

How I enjoy watercolors. They are the best for playing with tints.

I still have to draw down the design I have in mind. And choose between acrylics and oils.

After that comes pure amiableness :)

i NEED euthanasia

My nights and days are mixed up. I can't sleep, but at one point during the day I want it. In the morning I wait until it is time for everyone else to wake up before I come out of bed. As not to disturb anyone. This gives me too much time to think.
My muscles ache and shiver. Guess I've been exercising too much. Oh well.

Today my mom leaves for work later than usual. She tells me what the doctor told her about me yesterday. She said that it is probably all me. That I'm holding on to the pain, can't relax. Because this has been going on for too long. What?! Why?! How? I get upset. My mom adds that maybe I shouldn't graduate this year. Fuck. If I don't do that shit now... when? I hate the system. I'm not going back, if I'm pulled out of school now. 13 years? NO. WAY. I come up with an idea. It probably fails. Like anything else. But I'll give it a go.

I come upstairs to draw. It is much like therapy. Same thing happens when you want to know how a child feels. You ask him to draw nature or his home. Cloudy skies, separate rooms, people missing etc gives away negative stuff.
See a pattern on mine? Whatever it is I'm turning it into a painting. It will be called "NEED"

My cat appears out of nowhere. He has been missing for some time. I pick him up. Only to be covered in blood and sand.
"Been munching on dead carcasses lately, huh?"

I've got an appointment with the gooood doctor tomorrow. More tests. Kinda dull, kinda expensive.

This is it. This is water.

Wake up at 5. Wait until 7 like the kid from A.I. I take my pills and do the exercises for an hour. Try to clean my room. Fail. Fix some breakfast for my brother. Eat raisins.

I remember the sweetest message I got yesterday.
I see a comment under the last post. The content makes me unusually happy.
I see the coolest scrap on Orkut. The content makes me scream and dance around like the scoliosis and the inflammation of the vertebral joints etc have left my body.
There's a blackout. I realize that I'm lost without electricity. So I go outside for the first time in 4-5 days.
Get drunk and smoke. Another realization: I don't need it. Specially now. What a raffish girl.

Also, I might spend my New Year's at a sanatorium. Which is awesome in a i'll-take-anything kinda way.

But until then...

Reality Bites.

Yes.
Watched it yesterday. I had seen it before, but at that age I didn't get anything. Like the time I watched Leon.

Bon Iver - Blood Bank

I'm not really getting any better. The exercises hurt like hell.
Vicodin and a cane and I'm back on track, I guess. That's my secret plan. Mother wants me to stay at home until I'm magically cured. Well, I'll stay home when she finally does. The last week has been shit.

Been drawing and organising my stuff. I love it :)

This is what the card turned out like. Not what I imagined. At all.
:)

B-day card.

I'm making a birthday card for my 7-year-old brother with watercolors. The work is still in progress, but I'm very excited about the ideas I've got for this one. I'll definitely post the outcome before his birthday, the 8th.

All the Things We Hold Near and Dear to Our Hearts

Aga enne, kui vesivärvid mu niigi nõrga tähelepanu haarasid, proovisin õppida autokooli teooriat. Plaan on selline: loen kogu materjali läbi ja hakkan seejärel tegema teste. Ma ei ole kuigi kaugele jõudnud...
Kui ma teen 12. detsembril teooriaeksami koolis ära, olen ma võimeline kõike saavutama. AND THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

Mu eriline lemmik on esmasabi. Eelkõige seepärast, et seda jagan (erinevalt päris sõiduteooriast). Teine põhjus on veel. On mingi heleda peaga mees, kes fotosüüdistusel ilmnevate ilmete ja hoiakute järgi on first class sexual predator.

Muide, niiiiiiiiiiii ei vaevuks.