Should I?

Today, as I was cleaning my room, I thought it would be a great idea to pack my things for the hospital. That soon resulted in my crying for hours. The last experience came back to me - it was horrible! I was helpless, I couldn't so a damn thing. It was awful.
I'm terrified.

Do you know what is the most painful thing a child could do to its mother?
I found out today. Here's the DIY:

1. Get sick or hurt yourself really badly
2. Need a lot of medication to function, but don't eat much
   
3. Cry and/or laugh uncontrollably (these should be your 2 most dominant states)
4. Understand that hospital is best for you and agree to go, but on your last 2 days home...
5. Go to your mother and say, "Don't make me go! I did nothing wrong! Don't make me go-Don't make me go-Don't make me go-Don't make me go-don't make me go. It's going to kill me. Don't make me go!" (repeat for hours)

Be sure to add a little bit of "DON'T LEAVE ME! PLEEEEEEASE, MUM" at the hospital and she's heartbroken. She'll never get over it and feel guilt for the rest of your lives >>> the worst thing one can do to its mother.
You can actually apply this on anyone that loves you, but does not have the power to make you well.
:(
Should I not avoid people before I go?
I've changed my mind on wanting people to come and visit me. The 3 that came to see me last time are more than welcome, but to be honest... the rest don't really know or understand how pathetic it gets there.

I need change. There's going to be one. At least.Sooner or later it's going to happen :)